On and off, not right on my meds for awhile now;
Like a chain falling off a bike tire, to keep going I need to
rewire.
I need to shelter from this torrential rainstorm in my
brain,
And build a fire somehow.
Watching the shaking foundation,
A burning building built on sodden ground.
Not abusing them just misusing them.
A sinkhole opens up and the flames go out.
Four months skipping every other dose-
Forget to take it Sunday, Tuesday I feel like a ghost.
Even though Monday I swallowed all my meds down my dry throat,
Shaking from the Klonopin, sweating, dissociate still.
Rewired, all I become is tired,
The sedatives sink their teeth in
Until I’m somewhere between choking and breathing,
Brain in a fog, the music fades, I can only hear myself
screaming.
They increased the dose when I wish they’d decreased it,
But who am I kidding, I know they’re right when they say I
need it.
Two options:
Behavior erratic, or stay on the meds and life stays static;
I’ve tried every drug class, they’ve all let me down.
Back onto the benzodiazepines,
I’m on a higher dose than I’d ever thought I’d need it
seems,
Do what they say, take what I’m told to take,
Otherwise I spiral out of control into psychotic break.
Feel my brain in the clouds,
Unaware of what’s happening around me.
This isn’t a good fog, it’s a sad type of high,
Then combine some withdrawal that makes you wish you’d have
died
Before you decided this drug was good medicine to try.
By the end of the week meds have me feeling like a sheep.
But maybe it’s good that I’m walking in line,
Instead of before, my nose stuck in white lines,
I’ve fucked up lives that I can never make right,
But maybe I can fix myself, I can help,
For the good of those around me I might as well try.
I know I’m heading to a young grave,
But some people were born to die.
